Based on science, we all want to have companionship. Even if you think you don't, you do. It’s innately instinctual to crave human connection (Hari, 2018).
Psychologist Arthur Aron also knows the importance of listening to one another to foster deep connection. He and other researchers discovered that asking and answering a set amount of questions could be sufficient enough to develop a deep connection or even fall in love with a stranger (Aron et. al, 1997). The researchers compiled a list of thirty-six questions split into three levels, each becoming more personal than the last. After each participant asks and answers the questions, theoretically they will have created a deep connection by the end. He noted that the development of close relationships stems from "sustained, escalating, reciprocal, personal self-disclosure" (p. 39).
Here are some of the questions from the Aron et. al (1997) study:
- What would constitute a "perfect" day for you?
- If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any quality or ability, what would it be?
- Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
- Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
- What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
We challenge you to find a partner and go through these questions and let us know if you felt like you had a deeper connection with one another by the end. Click here for the full set of questions (Monke, 2018).
Hair notes that being a true friend, who really listens, is one of the first steps to finding reconnection with others and feeling happier. Hari (2018) recalls his discussion with Sam Everington, a doctor in East London, who talked about his experience treating patients with depression and anxiety. Sam realized when he sat and talked to his patients, that their problems didn't usually stem from a chemical imbalance in their brains. "There was always something deeper, and they would talk about it if he asked them" (Hari, 2018, p. 191). Emphasis on "…if he asked them.”
Asking "How are you?" has become the polite way to say hi, but when we say this, do we actually want to know the answer? This question often elicits the surface-level response of "good," followed by asking how they are in return. But by moving past the surface-level “How are you?” Hari (2018) and researchers Aron et al. (1997) prove you can make deeper connections and, as a result, be happier.
So,
"How are you?"
"No, but how are you really?"
Talia Seidman
The UVM Thrive Guide.
By Students, For Students.
** GIVEAWAY ** Head to our Instagram to enter our giveaway! We are raffling off the game We're Not Really Strangers to a random participant.
We're Not Really Strangers embodies a similar idea to Arthur Aron's study. The card game consists of three different levels of questions that lead to a deeper connection. The creator and CEO of We're Not Really Strangers, Koreen Odiney, tells Forbes the idea behind the game was "To empower people to make meaningful connections." "It's about reconnecting with ourselves and others." The card game and its Instagram following grew exponentially in popularity, revealing that people are actively looking for connections (Eldor, 2020).
References:
Aron, A., Melinat, E., Aron, E., Vallone, R., & Bator, R. (1997). The experimental generation of
interpersonal closeness: A procedure and some preliminary findings. Personality & Social Psychology Bulletin, 23(4), 363-377.
Eldor, K. (2020, May 27). We’re not really strangers: This 25-year-old founder created a global
movement from a card game and instagram feed. Forbes. https://www.forbes.com/sites/karineldor/2020/05/27/how-the-25-year-old-founder-of-were-not-really-strangers-created-a-global-movement-from-a-card-game-and-instagram-feed/?sh=6d71b2b33f99
Hari, J. (2018). Lost connections: Why you’re depressed and how to find hope. Bloomsbury
Publishing.
Monke, A. (2018). Aron's 36 questions. Sunshine Parenting.
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